CES 2009 Keynote: Life Without LOLs

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After a heavy-handed, baffling entry process that Erich Honecker would have appreciated, Microsoft fans and students of human oddity crammed into a remote ballroom earlier tonight to see how Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer would embarrass himself (we'll let you decide which category we belong in). After a not-at-all pathetic introduction that stressed his 800 score on the math SATs, Ballmer swanned onstage to kick the hardcore knowledge in his trademark Matt Foleyesque style.

This is why we don't have more pictures in this post.

Alas, his presentation was light on the insanity and heavy on the video images of smiling hipsters, senior citizens, and Third World children in raptures of ecstasy over their uber-connected Microsoft lifestyles. It's hard to imagine a context in which this kind of 1998-vintage multi-culti montagery is anything but a source of shame to all involved, but we're sure the creatives sleep well at night. On fancy sheets, probably.

When the huge video screens weren't showing us how Windows Live will bring the world together despite the fact that nobody uses it, the huge screens featured Steve Ballmer evangelizing in swooping tracking shots reminiscent of a Duran Duran concert video. Steve's really intent on making your phone and your TV the same device, so start deciding now whether you'd rather have a 60" phone or a 2" TV. But hey, at least combining phones and TV will excite anyone who's always wanted to ring up Dobie Gillis.

Then came a woman who can't possibly be as annoying in real life as she was onstage. She showed us her excruciatingly cutesy video avatars (see recreation below) and all kinds of other Windows 7 features that you'll want to turn off immediately. People applauded uproariously when she tiled two windows side-by-side, the way you might make a big deal about your 2-year-old successfully using a fork.

Hers was even more irritating.

A musical-comedy interlude was provided by Aussie-sounding acoustic trio Tripod, who lifted their shtick from Flight of the Conchords the way Windows has lifted a lot of its shtick from Apple. We give MS points for hiring an act whose name includes the letters "ipod".

Next up, Windows Entertainment exec Rob Somebody came out to tell us about how Zune had a great 2008 - all 365 days of it. He also touted the richly textured world of Halo, where you can connect with your friends by severing their virtual spines. The average Halo player plays the game over 150 hours per day, no kidding.

Despite the economic clouds hanging over the proceedings, the whole presentation was either optimistic or delusional, depending on whether Microsoft writes your paycheck. But signs of belt-tightening were evident. Last year, Microsoft had G'n'R guitarist Slash as their special keynote guest; this year, they told us all about how they had Slash last year.

The special guest this time was a 12-year-old girl named Sparrow, who was easily the most likable person on the stage. She showed us a game she designed using Microsoft's new game-designing app, called Kudo or Nujo or Hubo or something like that. More information can be found on the Internet. She kicked Rob Somebody's butt up and down the hall when the two faced off in the game. Ever-gracious, Rob blamed his controller.

To send us into the artificial Vegas night, Tripod returned for an encore. This one was a faintly chuckle-worthy ditty about partying down on Wednesday night, a cry from deep within the long shadow of the Conchords. You seem like nice enough fellows, Tripod, so we'll offer some free unsolicited career advice: hitch yourselves to Sparrow's star. That kid's got it.

For more detailed, factual, boring coverage of Ballmer's keynote, we recommend the Washington Post liveblog, which featured up-to-the second updates like "Ballmer is wearing brown or dark grey slacks and a burgundy sweater over a button-down shirt." Although we too are unclear about the color, we can confirm that he was indeed wearing pants - unfortunately for students of human oddity.

Don't forget: there's plenty more garbage where this came from on our CES 2009 page.



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