17 Predictions About Google's Big Announcement Today

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Bzzzz! The buzz-makers are abuzz with anticipation about Google's announcement of a broad new social product later today. We've peered deeply into our Gopher-interoptable crystal ball to see what that might be...

1. Google Attic: upload your clothes right from your closet and store your whole out-of-season wardrobe in "the cloud".
2. Google Wallflower: generates a stable of AI "friends" so you can have a thriving social network without fear of actual human contact.
3. Google Infinite Loop: tweets your Facebook status updates that syndicate your retweets of your Facebook updates about your tweets...
4. Google MailFight: assigns Dexterity, Strength and Charisma ratings to your gmail messages, allowing them to battle each other, level up, and unlock exclusive email sigs.
5. Google PickItUp: sets your gmail messages to an infectious ska beat.
6. Google ?: the ultimate in microblogging: one-character status updates.
7. Google Nexus Three: a new handheld device like the Nexus One, but three times bigger, and without the phone functions.
8. Google Bouncer: pre-screens friend requests before you receive them and alerts you when it turns someone down. It may raise privacy concerns, but isn't it worth it to ensure you never get a friend request from an ex?
9. Google ThoughtCounts: automatically emails your contacts on the day after their birthdays, to tell them you totally meant to send an e-card.
10. Google Sharia: a fully-integrated social network for you and your friends to coordinate honor killings, public stonings, punitive amputations, and burning down girls' schools. Plan meetups, vote for your favorites, and share (non-idolatrous) pictures and video!
11. Google Id: with a combination of biometric technology and detailed search-history analysis, it senses your real search desires, regardless of what you say you want.
12. Google CheerUp: when showing 0 new messages, Gmail randomly re-routes an email from someone else's Inbox so you don't feel lonely.
13. Google CrimeAgainstNature: merges data with 23andMe to ensure that that gal you're flirting with isn't actually your 4th cousin.
14. Google Throwback: allows Netscape users to choose between Altavista, Webcrawler, HotBot, or Infoseek skins for retro-search cool. Only indexes material posted before 1998.
15. Google InviteOnly: social invite network allows you to invite your friends so they can get their own invites to invite people with.
16. Google Caddyshack 2000: Google remakes the 1981 comedy, to see how many people will still defend Google no matter what. Starring Dane Cook, Kim Kardashian, Vince Vaughn, Snooki, the Orange County Choppers guys, and Chevy Chase, and featuring Verne Troyer as The Gopher.
17. Google Wave: No, seriously. This time you guys'll love it.

What are your inside contacts telling you about this world-shattering announcement? (Yes, the contacts inside your mind count, too.)

                    



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