We'd Explain It, But We'd Have To Charge: Woot Weads The Wire

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Every week in this space, weâ??ll take a look at the news and offer our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have to spare: thatâ??s Woot Weads the Wire.

NEW YORK (UPI) -- Lindsay Lohan's mother told interviewer Matt Lauer the media and justice system are largely to blame for the U.S. actress' problems.

The media and justice system noted that their ankle monitoring bracelets hadn't actually gone off yet.

LOS ANGELES (UPI) -- "Star Wars" producer Gary Kurtz says the Hollywood franchise's creator considered killing off Han Solo, but opted against it for merchandising reasons.

And yet, strangely, Lucas has never bothered to enter the lucrative Wookie medal market.

CYPRESS, Calif. (UPI) -- Police in California said a suspicious package delivered to the Cypress Police Department turned out to contain a record by 1970s band The Carpenters.

In the interest of fairness, the police did play the record. A spokesperson said that everybody listening totally thought it was the bomb.

LOS ANGELES, D.C. (UPI) -- Studio executives at one point considered pulling the plug on Universal's "Battleship," based on the board game, sources tell The Hollywood Reporter.

But a spokesperson for the executives said that sources likely just overheard an actor saying that he was in "Trouble", the next board game movie, and simply misunderstood what he meant.

EMMAUS, Pa. (UPI) -- Few would eat 68 strips of bacon in one meal but one can consumer the same amount of calories by drinking a milkshake, the U.S. magazine Men's Health says.

As expected, putting this information in Men's Health instantly increased the number of boys in the yard.

ORLANDO, Fla. (UPI) -- A Pennsylvania woman's lawsuit claims she was groped by an actor dressed as Donald Duck while visiting Florida's Walt Disney World.

In a related story, Daisy Duck has issued a statement saying her seventy year relationship is over.



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