From the Focus Group Floor: Renaming the Asian Carp

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After being transplanted to the Pacific Northwest we can sympathize with an invasive species like the Asian Carp. You're out of your element, you don't know anybody, and you've got to breed explosively so you can outcompete all the indigenous wildlife while hurdling electric barriers put in place to stop you and slapping strangers in the face along the way.

Now people are so fed up with them that they've decided to eat the Asian Carp out of existence. The only problem is no one wants to eat something called an Asian Carp for some reason (racists). So now they're taking suggestions for a more delicious-sounding name for the fish, but if names like "Kentucky Tuna" are being taken as serious suggestions and not the thinly-veiled sexual euphemisms they obviously are, it made us hopeful we might be able to flood the ballot box. Write your representative today and demand that the Asian Carp be renamed as any one of the far more delicious-sounding species below...

• Guangzhou Gagfish
• Gristle-backed Loach
• Poisonous Razorfin
• Nemo
• Putrid Bloatfish
• Jason Tuna
• I Can't Believe It's Not Asian Carp
• Invasive Stranglefish
• Laxative-fleshed Skunkfish
• Sea Penis
• Throat Burr
• Mud-Stuffed Waterbat
• Scaly Mutilator
• Neon Puke Darter
• Spiny Throatlodger
• River Mangler
• Vampiric Herpesbearer
• Orange Scratchy
• Tennessee Turd Burglar
• Pugsucker
• Nanking Doublebone Trout
• Hanoi Chumguppy
• Satan's Nightmarefish
• Chilean Sea Ass
• GlennBecktopus

Those were our best ideas (as hard as that may be to believe), let us know your favorite in the comments below. While we're at it, what would you call these things to make them more appealing?



(Thanks to Jeff C. for the Naming Newsletter link that inspired us.)



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