And Don't Even Ask About His Charisma: Woot Weads The Wire

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Every week in this space, weâ??ll take a look at the news and offer our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have to spare: thatâ??s Woot Weads the Wire.

PRINCETON, N.J. (UPI) -- Republicans and Democrats are tied in Gallup's weekly poll of congressional preferences, one week after Republicans held a 10-point lead in the generic poll.

Democratic representatives said there was no cause for alarm, and there was totally plenty of time for them to do something outstandingly stupid and make everyone hate them again well before the election.


SYDNEY (UPI) -- A sea lion at an Australian zoo attacked and bit an 11-year-old boy who had just finished shaking the animal's "hand," zoo officials said.

Zoo staff say this is not the first time a sea lion has shown a natural understanding of politics.

BALTIMORE (UPI) -- A University of Baltimore professor said he is basing his English 333 curriculum around zombies.

Educators say this is fitting, since the course finally proves that teaching is dead.

ATLANTA (UPI) -- A Georgia prosecutor says he doubts the veracity of the myriad of health problems claimed by the founder of a science-fiction convention facing sex charges.

The defense is hoping to secure an expert from Wizards of the Coast to explain how constitution can sometimes be a dump stat.

SANTA POD, England (UPI) -- A British man said he broke the world record for fastest piece of furniture by taking his motorized dinner table up to 130 mph.

The previous world record for fastest piece of furniture was NOBODY CARES

QUETTA, Pakistan (UPI) -- Pakistani authorities must break the back of a terrorist "triangle" in the country in order to restore peace, the interior ministry said.

Authorities added that, even when the triangle is gone for good, the nation still could face woodblocks, tambourines, and possibly even an autoharp.




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