Not Him: Woot Weads The Wire

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Every week in this space, weâ??ll take a look at the news and offer our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have to spare: thatâ??s Woot Weads the Wire.

NEW YORK (UPI) -- A squabble with the school's administration forced a New York kindergartner to roam the school hallways instead of sitting in class, his mom says.

Frustrated janitors say the boy left behind a dotted line which resists all attempts to remove it.

WASHINGTON (UPI) -- U.S. astronomers say they've detected a rocky planet in another solar system with the basic and essential conditions needed to support extraterrestrial life.

According to the data, the planet started out as just another bum, but then it got a chance to fight the champ, and ultimately became an American hero after beating Ivan Drago.

MOSCOW (UPI) -- Russia is moving to ban tobacco advertising by 2012 and public smoking by 2015, officials say.

It plans to accomplish this in the usual way, by luring the advertising into Siberia around late September and then just waiting for the advertising to die.

SACRAMENTO (UPI) -- A species of chipmunk that roamed California's Sierra Nevada Mountains for centuries has apparently vanished, wildlife experts say.

Ross Bagdasarian is sought for questioning.

CHICAGO (UPI) -- A Chicago doctor said her invention, an "Emergency Bra" that can be quickly converted into a pair of gas masks, is now available for purchase online.

The bra, designed to quickly go from covering the chest to covering the mouth, is already testing well with very creepy men.

DHAKA, Bangladesh (UPI) -- U.S. researchers said tigers in the Sundarbans forests of Bangladesh weigh about half as much as Bengal tigers in other areas.

However, Bengal tigers complain that Bangladesh is setting an unhealthy standard for impressionable young tigers.

LOS ANGELES (UPI) -- Men tend to withdraw socially -- the silent and stoic response to stress -- while women show increased brain coordination during stress, U.S. researchers said.

In response to this news, women had a bunch of ideas as to how this could be approached and men didn't want to talk about it.



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