Sean University: Commercials

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You know how â??antiquingâ?? is when people in nice clothes go to a bunch of different antique stores in one day? Well, â??marketingâ?? is something totally different. Donâ??t think that â??marketingâ?? and â??antiquingâ?? are at all alike, as we'll see in this week's lesson at the Sean Adams University of Business Management Development Leadership (SAUBMDL)...

Marketing is the process of advertising your stuff with commercials or by some other means that aren't as effective as commercials so we will never mention their names. With the right marketing, your goods and services will be selling like hotcakes; without marketing, your goods and services will be selling like day-old cold hotcakes in a town where everyone was already allergic to hotcakes anyway. Luckily, here at the Sean Adams University of Business Management Development Leadership, we know all about marketing and weâ??d love to share our knowledge with you. In fact, weâ??ve gone ahead and written commercials for some common types of small businesses (youâ??re welcome):

Tree Trimming Service: A guy and his wife sit outside in their backyard. The wife looks at her watch and says, â??Oh my, weâ??ve nearly missed lemonade time.â?? So she goes inside for lemonade but gets distracted by some earplugs on the counter, which she tries out (explained later). Soon enough she remembers what she came in for and grabs a pitcher of lemonade. When she goes back out, she finds her husband has been shot. After she drops the lemonade dramatically, cut to a shot of a tree branch putting away a gun with the text on screen reading, â??Trees: take them down before they take you down.â?? (The earplugs part was so she wouldnâ??t hear the gunshot. That way you don't need to pay gunshot noise royalties.)

Aquarium/Fish Supply Store: On a fishing boat in the middle of the ocean, two sailors pull up an empty net. The captain says, â??Thatâ??s the seventh day in a row that we havenâ??t gotten anything. What the heck is going on here?â?? and the sailor responds, â??I just donâ??t know, captain. Itâ??s like thereâ??s no more fish in the whole ocean.â?? Then play dramatic music as you zoom in on the captainâ??s face before cutting to black screen that reads, â??You wouldnâ??t want this to happen in the ocean. Donâ??t let it happen in your own home! Buy a fish tank and some fish.â??

Daycare: Thereâ??s a mom and her baby walking around looking for a daycare. They stop at one, and all the babies are putting together furniture with power tools. â??I donâ??t want my baby putting together furniture at this age,â?? says the mom and they walk out. At the next daycare, thereâ??s no roof. â??I had to make a choice between colorful blocks and a roof, and I chose the blocks,â?? says the daycare teacher. â??Seems dangerous in winter weather conditions,â?? says the mom, and she walks out with her baby. The next daycare has no babies, just tons of meat. â??This place used to be a daycare, but then I bought it and turned it into a butcher shop. Man, I really gotta change the sign!â?? says the butcher, so the mother leaves. The last shot you see is her arriving outside of your daycare and smiling. (But donâ??t show what sheâ??s smiling at, so if people complain that you misled them into thinking that you run a happy daycare, you can just be like, â??Oh, she was smiling because she remembered something funny that happened earlier that day before she arrived at the daycare.â?? The only thing youâ??ve guaranteed is that your daycare doesnâ??t involve furniture assembly, has a roof, and isnâ??t a butcher shop.)

Massage Parlor: Thereâ??s a business man yelling into a cell phone, â??Iâ??m so stressed!â?? Then magically, heâ??s in a massage chair getting a massage. All his stress floats away and he melts into pure calm. In real life, the melting will be metaphorical, but for an exciting commercial, make the businessman actually melt (maybe into an orange liquid that stains the carpet; then you can get a carpet cleaning business to go halfsies on the ad costs).

These are just a few of the businesses that exist. If youâ??re trying to launch a different kind of small business, tell me what it is in the comments, and Iâ??ll write you a commercial.



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