The Burger Transitory Committee: Woot Weads The Wire

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Every week in this space, weâ??ll take a look at the news and offer our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have to spare: thatâ??s Woot Weads the Wire.

CUPERTINO, Calif. (UPI) -- Apple's next iPad will likely not be available this year, but when it arrives, it will probably include retina display imagery, U.S. media are reporting.

And yet this cutting-edge new device will somehow still require you to confirm the iTunes Store Agreement via checkbox twice a month.

SAO CAETANO DO SUL, Brazil, Aug. 23 (UPI) -- A designer for Brazilian company Zoom Education for Life has created a 3D printer, which carves shapes from foam, made almost entirely from Lego components.

The first project will be a 3D puzzle of Captain Kirk dressed as Batman fighting Neo in a Darth Vader costume, just to prove it could in fact be a little more nerdy if they tried.

LOS ANGELES (UPI) -- British filmmaker Ridley Scott is to direct and produce a new "Blade Runner" movie, but a script for the flick has not yet been written, Time magazine said.

Sources say the director is thinking about just making it a three hour long long pie fight, under the theory that such an option would offend long-time fans the least.

MIAMI (UPI) -- U.S. fast food seller Burger King said it is putting its regal, but expression-limited mascot, on sabbatical with no particular date for a royal return.

Like many leaders this summer, the current whereabouts of the Burger King are unknown, but rumors hint he may have fled house arrest in an attempt to find sanctuary in Saudi Arabia.

BEIJING (UPI) -- Chinese scientists say they have a plan to save the Earth from a possible collision with an asteroid that could take place in 2036.

According to the scientists, the plan is to start building small consumer goods for the asteroid, then slowly shift to larger items while acquiring the asteroid's outstanding debt, then begin to make alliances with the asteroid's leaders based on the terms of that debt until finally the whole thing just dissolves before impact. Experts say they fell asleep before the end because the plan wasn't as flashy as Armageddon.

WASHINGTON (UPI) -- U.S. researchers say a drug has been found to extend the average life span of obese mice by protecting them from the usual diseases associated with obesity.

This potential increase in healthy fat mice met with approval from the shadowy cabal of cats that funded the study in secret.



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