The Ware Wewun: Woot Weads The Wire

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Every week in this space, weâ??ll take a look at the news and offer our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have to spare: thatâ??s Woot Weads the Wire.

Scott's on vacation this week and can't be bothered to read the news. Please enjoy these selections from older Wires about which you can be offended retroactively.

HANFORD, Wash. (UPI/original post)â??A helicopter conducted an aerial search for slightly radioactive jackrabbit scat at the Hanford nuclear site in Washington state, officials said.

The pilot reports finding high concentration of oobidydoobitywa, but low amounts of both the usually common diddlyskeepdootbam and the generally rare wopbopmony.

MOSCOW (UPI/original post) -- Russia is moving to ban tobacco advertising by 2012 and public smoking by 2015, officials say.

It plans to accomplish this in the usual way, by luring the advertising into Siberia around late September and then just waiting for the advertising to die.

COLUMBUS, Ohio (UPI/original post)â??The number of fireflies lighting up the night throughout the United States appears to be declining, scientists say.

Experts continue to insist that if the episodes had been shown in the correct order, everything would be fine.

COOS BAY, Ore. (UPI/original post)â??Luminescent sea worms that eject glowing green blobs have been found off the Oregon coast at depths up to 11,000 feet, scientists said.

Based on these findings, scientists think theyâ??ve found the way to the level boss.

LONDON (UPI/original post) -- An original Apple 1 computer, hand-made by Steve Jobs and Steve Wozniak in Jobs' parents' garage, could bring $240,000 when it goes on auction, experts say.

Auctioneers warn that downloading the software updates will take roughly 2.6 years.

ROME (UPI/original post)â??Pope Benedict XVI Monday kicked off a weeklong televised Bible marathon featuring more than 1,200 people reading the Christian and Jewish testaments.

Unfortunately, the content of Genesis 19:30-19:36 means that the footage can only be shown after ten pm, and on cable.

NEW YORK (UPI/original post) -- New York police said they arrested a man who allegedly tried to withdraw money from Paul Simon's bank account by impersonating the musician.

The news of the arrest is rumored to have hit Art Garfunkel impersonators the hardest.

RALEIGH, N.C. (UPI/original link)â??A family moving from North Carolina to Pennsylvania said a Diet Coke can rode for more than 300 miles on their U-Haul truckâ??s bumper without falling.

This beats the previous record for a traveling can, which no one cared about enough to write down.

FORT WORTH, Texas (UPI/original link) -- A Texas man who missed his senior year of high school to fight in World War II said he has finally received a diploma at the age of 84.

However, sources say that the man is having a terrible time finding a prom date.



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