What's The Opposite Of "De La Creme" Called?

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Scott's done the last few Music Mondays from his heart, his soul, and his mind. But today's post is from a very dark place indeed. Today he's reflecting on the very worst music videos he can remember. What does he consider worst? Well, pretty much it's all the songs so embarrassing to the artist that they've disabled embedding and made them hard to find. Yep, they're gonna be that bad. So be aware we're using screen-capped images and putting the link underneath. Here's the first one now so you can practice:

Mick Jagger - Let's Work

 

Mick's disabled embedding, but you can still remember his awkward period by clicking here

 

Looking a bit like a rough draft of R.E.M.'s Everybody Hurts, Mick's video is exactly the sort of thing you'd expect an economist would put together to showcase "team unity" at the end-of-quarter meeting. The song itself isn't completely horrible (and it's perfectly suited for 80s aerobics) but since the most daring part is when Mick eats an apple he finds in the middle of the road without washing it... it's pretty much a bust, even by 80s standards.

Even if you love the song, you gotta admit, that's a crappy video. There's more inside, so if you're ready to suffer... see you after the jump!

George Michael - Careless Whisper

 

Sony's turned off embedding, but you're welcome to enjoy George right here.

 

What's actually the point of this video? The story's pretty straight-forward regarding the plot (even if it's shot like one of the boring episodes of Dynasty) but why? Why does it even exist? Why do we need the sea plane and the expensive hotel at sunset and the rented sailboat and all that? This song was a lock down 100% hit before it even left the gate, and girls of the era really just wanted to stare at George Michael anyway, so why did they waste this kind of money on all that nothing? Why didn't they just do a classy, stripped down video of a guy singing at the camera instead of going all Duran Duran with it? Or at the very least, why do the outdoor shots all look like they're from a movie-of-the-week? At least George learned from these mistakes by the time he got to Father Figure a few years later. Same basic plot, same basic story, but boy, does it look so much better.

Cutting Crew - (I Just) Died In Your Arms

 

Embedding has been disabled but never fear, you can still click through if you're brave enough.

 

Invisible cello, huh? Pretty much you know trouble's coming at that point right there. In this video YOU are the camera, and the camera seems to be strapped to the lead singer's pet golden retriever or something because look at the way everybody treats it. Do you put your hands all over your significant other's face like that? Also check out those hand signals to "stay," 100% pet owner commands. Did we just unlock a secret of the Eighties here? Regardless of the deeper meaning, be ready for Mr. Crew. to get lovingly all up in your face a whole bunch as the video progresses. You'll take a quick scooter ride around the set (full of craaaazy 80s stagehands!) and you'll even get to go up on stage! All part of the pluses of dating the lead singer of Cutting Crew (or possibly being his puppy). But be aware: the bass player doesn't like you at all. For real, watch his eyes every time he looks at you. Dude wants you gone.

Milli Vanilli - Baby, Don't Forget My Number

 

Et tu, Rob and Fab? Well, you guys can't escape our list.
Head here to see the awkward choreography these gentle souls once shared.

 

Oh, did we start too early for you guys? Sure, go ahead and fix your hair and wipe off your nose before we... wait, those are the DANCE MOVES? Guess it's a good thing we hired you for your voices... oh, hang on, you're not the singers, are you? You're just the guys pretending to sing. Wow, great that you're stomping around just a teeny bit out of phase with each other, then. Real talent going on here. But at least this video's background finally answers the question "What does the cover of Pink Floyd's Animals look like at night?"

Gene Simmons - Firestarter

 

We could have inlined this one, but the bikini girls might make it NSFW
for some people. Even still, respect to Gene for keeping it embeddable.

 

When you make a video so stupid that your entire career to date, including that movie where you drooled fake blood while defending an amusement park, suddenly looks legit... well, you've really done something with your solo projects. That having been said, props to Gene for not hiding it like everybody else, and letting this one stay wild and embedable. See that, lousy directors? It's all about ownin' your mistakes. The Demon knows how to do it.

Moody Blues - Knights In White Satin

 

Even the old bands can't give us a break today. Use this link to see their horrible, horrible outfits.

 

Okay, the Sixties were a different time before music videos existed and we all get that, but look at the first shot on the stairs. You can't tell me that shot would be out of place in Manos: The Hands Of Fate. People of 1967, the Moody Blues are STARING YOU DOWN WITH SOFT ROCK. Forums pal agingdragqueen also enjoyed how the guy with the flute was just hangin' out, sometimes doing chorus vocals, sometimes patiently waiting for his solo to appear. Check out the steely glint in his eye as it finally happens. He's daring you to challenge his delicate minor addition to the song. Be careful, being a rock flautist probably means you can fight better than any random member of Black Flag.

Prince - Batdance

 

 

To be an artist, you've got to be fearless. You've got to be willing to go places no one else dares to go. And sometimes, you'll find that place... and then sort of back out of the room slowly and never go back. Very likely the stuff Prince did on this musical summary of Tim Burton's Batman movie helped to prepare him for his later, more serious works, plus that guitar burst is totally scorching, but... well, this isn't the Purple One's finest video moment. At least we can say it's better than what Jim Steinman came up with, can't we? And Prince doesn't seem to be hiding it in shame like... ooo, almost everyone on this list except for Gene. So you go, Prince. Stupidity wants to be free!

Those are Scott's, now tell us about yours! Which music videos do you think are the worst, and why? Lord knows there are plenty to choose from. Hey, anybody remember MTV's Hazard contest in the early 90s? Did they ever even bother to announce a winner for that?



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