Why Does This Exist: Rock Epics That Somebody Got Away With

[RSS FEED]

Okay, we thought about doing a Christmas post today, but c'mon. Christmas music is everywhere right now. And besides, we did our Best and Worst list last year, remember? So instead, today Scott's gonna fill the pre-holiday boredom with some long, drawn-out epic songs. And by epic, we mean... well, just have a look at this first one and you'll see. Click on the image to listen to the song.

Bumblebee Unlimited - Lady Bug

 

 

Take a scoop of Alvin and the Chipmunks. Add a disco beat. Shake with a dash of double entendres and pour over an amazed listening audience. You've just made Lady Bug, a sweet 70s story of two insects performing their mating ritual in a bug nightclub. If you liked Muskrat Love, this record will change your life. If you didn't, you'll probably wonder just how much cocaine was involved with the planning session. Our guess is a whoooole lot.

That's the kind of epic we're talking about. Those ridiculously long songs that make you shake your head and wonder how the artists got away with it. Sit back, relax, and see how far you can get before hitting the pause button. Sprawling mini-symphonies await you... inside!

Billy Joel - Scenes From An Italian Restaurant

 

 

Billy's ode to the East Village is a rarity for a pop song, because it goes on long enough to allow a flashback in the middle. The guy is talented enough to properly split up the music (it's clear when we travel between the narrator with his reminiscent sax, the fast paced piano bar where two old lovers meet, and then the third person memory of Brenda and Eddie) but... well, even Rush never did a song where time loops around on itself. A person's gotta respect what Billy achieved here, under the radar. Plus you know you'll be humming the "Brenda and Eddie" part later.

Meat Loaf - Paradise By The Dashboard Light

 

 

The greatest "shaggy dog" story in rock 'n roll, right here. Meat Loaf emotes the role of a young man on a date, then stretches the agony into a Shakespearean juggernaut. Through sheer attrition, Mr. Loaf makes you care about these kids, and then just when you're about to give up, he throws in a baseball game! Fans of the song know the incredibly cheesy joke that waits at the end, but by then you've come so far... what else can you do but shake your head and play it for someone else? Paradise By The Dashboard Light isn't just a song, people. It's one of the earliest examples of griefing.

Don McLean - American Pie

 

 

Ah, list rock. Be it C&C Music Factory or The Commodores, namechecking as art pretty much starts with Don McLean. Tragically he never really had another song of worth, but since American Pie feels longer than everything this side of dental surgery, that's probably a good thing, right?

Genesis - Supper's Ready

 

 

Aw, yeah. It's alllll in this one. A poem at the beginning, seven different numbered segments, an artist who constantly refuses to fully discuss his incomprehensible lyrics, and a wave-like pile of notes which rise and fall across TWENTY SIX MINUTES of whatever the hell is going on here. If "Guitar Hero" ever does a world championship, this is the perfect song for the long-distance endurance challenge.

Jethro Tull - Thick As A Brick

 

 

Jethro Tull, of course, were smart enough to offer a radio friendly version of their forty minute epic, so maybe they don't belong on this list. To be even more fair, we gotta note that Ian Anderson later admitted the whole point of this over-the-top song was to make fun of bands like Genesis and Yes. But have you seen the actual sleeve? You know, the one with a front and a back and inside... it's just so amazing! The cover is an entire newspaper, with personals, sports, a crossword and some local interest stories, all intertwining to create a history for a young schoolboy poet and his town and family, like some ARG marketing campaign years before that concept existed. For some reason the music is what everyone focuses on, but the physical record sleeve is the real epic here. Do yourself a favor and find a copy, then spend forty minutes focused on THAT instead of Tull's too-realistic parody epic above. Trust us, you won't miss the flute solos at all.

Now what do you think? Do you know a longer song than Thick As A Brick? Got a few words to say about Achilles Last Stand? Annoyed we didn't think to make fun of Emerson Lake and Palmer? If you know an epic not on this list, we've got vacation time and we're ready to listen to it! Post it in the comments below, please. And be sure to tell us why it's so good... or bad.

Images of The Stranger and Thick As A Brick are taken from their respective Wikipedia pages in keeping with fair use.



More...