It's More Plausible Than Her Real Excuse: Woot Weads The Wire

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Every week in this space, weâ??ll take a look at the news and offer our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have to spare: thatâ??s Woot Weads the Wire.

DUQUESNE, Pa. (UPI) -- Gunfire broke out at a 16-year-old's birthday party in Duquesne, Pa., leaving one person dead and several wounded, police said Sunday.

Police immediately consulted an English major, who urged them to detain local friars before things got even worse.

CINCINNATI (UPI) -- A Cincinnati landlord is being accused of discrimination after posting a sign on a gate on her property reading, "Public Swimming Pool, White Only."

A spokesperson says the sign is completely misunderstood, and it merely points out that the pool is being funded through joint donations from the estate of soul superstar Barry White and Misfits bassist Jerry Only.

AMSTERDAM, Netherlands (UPI) -- Officials in the Netherlands say marijuana cafes in the south of the country have until May 1, 2012, to turn themselves into members-only clubs.

Locals continue to insist that smoking the once-fashionable jackets just won't offer the same effect.

THE HAGUE, Netherlands (UPI) -- The International Criminal Court said it referred Chad to the U.N. Security Council for not arresting Sudan's president when he visited the country in August.

Sources say Chad was all like "not my job, dude" when questioned about his failure to act.

JAKARTA (UPI) -- Strong winds and high seas are hampering rescue vessels off Java as rescuers look for survivors from an asylum boat that overturned in bad weather.

And in a related story, it looks like DC Comics has stepped up their attempt to give Aquaman the "Dark Knight" treatment!



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